How To Calm A Child With ADHD: An In-Depth Guide for Parents
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (or ADHD) is one of the most common childhood mental health diagnoses, with 6.1 million children having a current or prior diagnosis. Although many kids have ADHD, it presents in many different ways, which can make parenting feel like a challenge.
Sometimes, when kids with ADHD are put into new, challenging, or overstimulating environments, they can become unfocused, dysregulated, and exhibit challenging behaviors. Having a ready toolbox of strategies for ways to calm a child with ADHD can help manage those situations.
Key Symptoms of ADHD
Your child may show some or many of the following symptoms. Symptoms occur on a continuum, and a given expression can be mild or significantly impact your child’s functioning. Since ADHD appears differently in different kids, it’s vital to understand how it affects each child. Later, we’ll discuss strategies that will help, but first, it can be helpful for parents and caregivers to identify precisely how ADHD impacts their children.
Lack of focus. Your child is unable to stay focused on a given task. They may look away or disengage. They may struggle to sit down and do homework or have difficulty playing with non-preferred toys.
Needs support to initiate. This involves beginning a new activity. Children with ADHD often hesitate to start and execute an activity. For example, they may stall when asked to wash the dishes or be uncertain about starting a new puzzle.
Poor listening skills. It can be frustrating for parents when their little one does not respond to an instruction or, sometimes, even the sound of their name. Listening is a complex skill that involves receiving sensory information, processing it, holding it in short-term memory, analyzing it, and responding. For a child with ADHD, the breakdown can happen at any step of the process.
Limited follow-through. This is when a child begins an activity or task but struggles to continue it without support.
Task avoidance can happen for many reasons! It is a way that kids compensate for skills that haven’t developed yet. Children love to avoid things that appear “hard.” They might also avoid a task because it is too large in scope, they do not know how to begin, or they are too distracted.
Losing items. Many children have difficulty finding things, even items always kept in the same space. Like listening, locating an object involves interpreting and processing sensory information, but from the visual system. A child instructed to get their socks may look in a scattered pattern and search only in their immediate environment.
Overactive or constantly fidgeting. Parents frequently describe their child with ADHD as ‘always on the move.’ Movement, changing seated positions, and getting in and out of the chair are all strategies that kids inadvertently use to regulate their bodies.
Difficulty taking turns. Children with ADHD can have problems with the natural back-and-forth nature of conversation. When the child has something to share, they may impulsively blurt it out rather than waiting for their turn. This can also lead to excessive talking without pauses, and others having trouble understanding.
Difficulty with delayed gratification. Tasks that require lots of work upfront with a reward at completion are not particularly motivating for many kids with ADHD. Immediate rewards tend to be greatly preferred.
All of these symptoms can result in other conditions, such as anxiety (present in 30% of children with ADHD) or behavioral challenges/conduct disorders (50% of children with ADHD). Some aspects of ADHD can result in learning challenges and frustrations, separate from any learning differences they may also have. Children with ADHD may have low self-esteem as well.
Triggers
So, where do the significant meltdowns come from? A variety of things can trigger them. Common triggers include:
- Changes in routines
- Busy events: Assemblies at school, attending a show with family, or going to a birthday or holiday party
- Poor sleep quality
- Overuse of technology3
- Expectations that exceed their capabilities
- Overwhelm with tasks or the sensory environment
- Stress at home or at school
How to Calm a Child With ADHD: Strategies for Supporting Kids
Check basic needs
Kids and adults alike feel dysregulated when their needs are not met. This is a great place to start when your child is struggling. Consider: Did they get enough sleep last night? Are they hungry? Thirsty? Do they need to use the bathroom? Do they feel safe and secure? If the answer to any of these questions is ‘no,’ you’ll need to help remedy this before you can move on to supporting their executive functioning needs.
A child who does not get adequate sleep may have trouble remembering and focusing. This only exacerbates the symptoms of ADHD and makes it harder for the child to function at home and at school. Cutting out caffeine, limiting screen time before bed, and establishing a consistent bedtime routine can increase sleep quality. Check in with your pediatrician if you have any specific concerns about your child’s sleeping habits.
While there is still more research needed, eating a well-balanced diet may reduce the symptoms of ADHD. Likewise, consuming high amounts of sugar may worsen symptoms (although professional opinions on this vary). Some parents track their child’s intake to try to discern if there are exacerbations in symptoms that correlate with a specific food.
Break it down
Breaking down a big task into smaller, more manageable chunks is an excellent compensatory strategy to use with children with ADHD. It encourages children to practice executive functioning skills like initiation, attending, and following through in a way that is much more accessible to them. Even better, practicing the skills in this way with the ‘just-right-challenge’ can ultimately help children grow their skills and learn to cope by themselves.
Breaking down tasks into manageable pieces gives children an opportunity to experience success. Celebrate their small wins with them with rewards or praise.
This works great for directions that have lots of steps too. Instead of telling them to “put away your laundry,” start by having them take the laundry out of the dryer and set it into the basket. Then proceed with directions to sort, fold, and put away, giving just one or two steps at a time. Give them a ‘just-right’ challenge by expanding upon their skills as they build them.
Intentional movement breaks
Making plans for intentional movement breaks can help your child stay on an even keel.
There are lots of different ways to stimulate the proprioceptive system. In fact, you may realize that your child seeks this input to try to help themselves regulate by jumping, crashing, or running. Other activities to try could include:
Movement breaks should be designed to regulate the proprioceptive system. Receptors of this lesser-known sensory system are located in the joints, tendons, and muscle spindles. When stimulated with movement, they send information to our brain that helps us know where our body is in space. This makes us feel calm. Think about being wrapped up tightly in a comfortable blanket. It tends to make you feel safe, and if you feel stressed, that physical pressure can actually help you relax.
- Wheelbarrow walking
- Jumping on an indoor trampoline
- Chewing gum (There is a high density of proprioceptive receptors in the jaw!)
- Carrying heavy objects
- Pulling a wagon
- Bear hugs
- Yoga
- Animal walks
- Pushing in chairs
- Tug of war
The calming effect of proprioceptive work can last up to two hours. Scheduling intentional movement time and getting it in no later than one hour before bedtime can help children feel calm and ready for whatever comes next.
A note on fidgeting: If your child is on-task, try to overlook fidgeting and frequent positional changes. When they wiggle, they tend to get some calming input, and this can be an excellent compensatory strategy to help them attend.
Provide directions to more than one of the senses.
Provide directions and instructions in a multisensory format. This strategy helps many kids with ADHD regardless of their individual sensory needs.
Usually, we give directions verbally. Children then receive, process, analyze, and remember the information before responding. However, if we provide the information verbally while simultaneously appealing to another sense, we are much more likely to get the message across. This often looks like providing a visual cue (schedule, gesture, picture, or object) while saying the message to the child.
Set the environment up for success.
When a child has trouble attending, stimulating environments increase the challenge significantly. Clutter around the house, toys without a designated spot, a loud television, or busy siblings can be a real challenge for a child with ADHD.
Try to contain the stimulation by turning down the noise and putting items back in their places. While some of these things may be hard to avoid, try to create a quiet place in the house that isn’t visually overwhelming. Older children can be involved in this process. Some children make a small space in their room separated by a sheet, and others use noise-canceling headphones.
Be consistent
The more consistency for a child with ADHD, the better. This goes for everything from setting consistent expectations to providing a familiar environment to using the same daily routines. Rules at home give the children structure and a sense of predictability. This is helpful for children to regulate their emotions.
If a change occurs (a dentist appointment after school or a babysitter getting them ready for bed), let your child know beforehand. Even better, make a drawing of the new plan. The change can still be challenging, but they’ll be much more prepared.
Consult your pediatrician
Bring up any concerns with your child’s pediatrician. They will be able to consider their medical history and social environment to make appropriate recommendations. Medication or more targeted behavioral intervention may be a good fit for alleviating symptoms in some children.
Parenting stress
Check in with your own regulation.
Parenting is tough, and the impulsivity of a child with ADHD can make it even more challenging. In moments when you feel overwhelmed, take a step back and assess. Children respond well to co-regulation, and it is hard for a dysregulated parent to soothe a child.
Sometimes, this might look like allowing more iPad time while making tea. Or, it could be holding off on having your child start their homework until you feel like you can better manage the situation.
Not only is this more effective, but your child will see how you use strategies to regulate your own body. So take your own deep breaths and know you are calming your sensory system while modeling a useful life skill for your child.
Consider your own attentional needs.
We don’t talk about adult attention as much as we do about children. However, many adults subconsciously create their own toolbox of strategies to keep them regulated and ready to attend to the work they need to do. Sometimes adults regulate themselves like this:
- Starting the day with a cup of coffee
- Taking a walk at lunch
- Getting a crunchy snack
- Moving from a seated to a standing workstation
- Using a planner or digital calendar
- Taking a mental break by scrolling social media or reading a book
When we recognize that everybody has strategies for attention, it tends to help parents empathize with their child’s needs. Try to view your role as supporting your child in finding theirs, and you’ll have a renewed, empathetic approach to parenting.
Adolescents’ brains continue to develop all the way until age 25! Until then, your child will rely on you to fill in the gaps as they continue to grow those executive functioning skills.
The Meltdown: When it all becomes too much
The best way to cope with a meltdown will vary greatly depending on the child’s age, the situation, other diagnoses, and other factors such as cognitive skills and coping mechanisms.
Strategies to Help Your child
These are the common steps to helping your child reset:
- Validate your child’s feelings. Use simple language like “I hear you,” “I see this is frustrating for you,” or “It is okay to feel overwhelmed when there is a lot you need to do.” Remind your child that you are here to help them. It is respectful to your child to validate their feelings, and children are more likely to let you into the conversation when you can see their point of view.
- Check on those basic physiological needs. It is difficult for kids to regulate when they are constipated, overtired, or have low blood sugar. After you consider those, start to think about sensory needs. If your child usually seeks pressure input, offer a bear hug, yoga break, or chewing gum. Make a mental note of the sensory environment and cognitive demands when your child has a meltdown. Use this knowledge to help you discern what strategies you’ll use in the future.
- Breathe deeply. Make sure your emotions are in check and model a positive coping strategy by taking slow, deep breaths. Often, children will match your deep breathing without even being prompted. A visual app can be a great help as well. Whatever works for your child, slow controlled breathing will help reset their nervous system.
- Change the environment. Moving to a different location, turning down the lights, or even changing to a different seating position can also aid the child in resetting.
- Offer two neutral choices. This strategy works for a variety of situations and is a gentle way to give your child some control of the situation while at the same time guiding them to an appropriate solution. For example, a 6th grader is stressed because they need to complete reading for tomorrow at school. Mom shares that the child could lay down on the floor to read while she piles cushions on him (proprioceptive input) or take his book outside (where it is less stimulating).
- Reinforce and reflect. Offer praise when your child makes a decision that works or uses a successful strategy. Positive reinforcement helps a child make neural connections that strengthen and solidify positive behavior patterns. Reflect on what worked and what did not work afterward. Older kids can dive deep into this conversation. For younger kids, it may sound like, “I noticed that when we worked on one piece of the craft at a time, it felt more doable. Let’s help each other remember that for the next time we do arts and crafts.”
A Familiar Situation: David and his family
David is a 7-year-old boy who received an ADHD diagnosis last year. His parents followed up with his pediatrician after his teacher reported he needs support for carrying out the morning routine, distractibility, difficulty with quiet reading times, and strained peer interactions.
David receives some specialized instruction with small groups at school and direct occupational therapy. He has an excellent school team that feels that he is making significant progress with the accommodations they’ve implemented.
At home is a different story. As soon as David gets off the bus, he is hard to contain unless he is playing a specific fast-paced game on his iPad. He used to enjoy playing with children in the neighborhood, but those kids have started to withdraw from his impulsive, sometimes rough, play. David engages in negative self-talk when he is unsuccessful. When David’s father tells him to wash up for dinner, he has to repeat himself multiple times, and often David still doesn’t comply.
At bedtime, David appears to have a surge of energy, talking rapidly and jumping around his room. The bedtime process is lengthy and often involves compromises such as skipping the bath or reading two more books.
David’s parents are pleased that he is doing well at school but are discouraged by the regression at home. They feel confused as to why his behavior looks so different after school. They try to be patient with him, but sometimes they understandably feel frustrated.
Solutions for David’s Family
David’s family decided to consult with his school team to learn about what works well during the day. This sparked several ideas. His parents reflected on challenging behaviors, changes they could make at home, and ways to provide David with extra support. They came up with the following ideas:
- Carry over the Zones of Regulation program and language that David’s teachers use at school.
- Make time for heavy work in the form of play, such as a soccer game or jumping on their indoor trampoline, as soon as David gets home from school and just before dinner.
- Practice using a Lazy-8 breathing visual and encourage David to use it if he is starting to become elevated.
- Make a ‘cozy corner’ in the guest room where David can retreat if he needs to recharge.
- Incorporate positive self-talk and model its use when they are being challenged.
- Break down big tasks into smaller ones. Instead of telling David to wash up for dinner, his father tells him to get a washcloth as the initial step.
- Check for understanding by having David explain what the plan is.
- Establish a bedtime routine and be consistent with it.
Conclusion
As a parent of an ADHD child, you will likely face many challenging situations. Remember that you have tools and strategies available that work well for kids with ADHD. When parents slow down, notice triggers, and guide their children with simple solutions and practice, everyone can cope incredibly well with their symptoms. Know that other parents share your challenges, and always contact your pediatrician if you need further support.
Dr. Kayla Hartt, MOT, DOT
Senior Contributor
Dr. Kayla Hartt is a doctoral-level occupational therapist and freelance writer. She has a private practice and works with children on sensory processing skills, fine motor development, handwriting, and more. She lives in Windham, Maine, with her husband and young daughter.
