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You know that feeling when other parents judge your parenting? Now, more than ever, it can feel like everyone is an expert in parenting. Yes, information is more accessible, but that doesn’t mean it is always valid, reliable, or suitable for your family.
As the parent of a young child, I’ve encountered judgment from everyone, from the people closest to me to strangers passing by and everyone in between. I have also felt a mix of reactions. They ranged from easily laughing it off to shame and feeling insecure about my parenting knowledge and skills (and I have several years of education and a doctorate related to the subject.) You cannot control when other parents judge you. It may be helpful to recognize the more significant societal issue and the fact that you can control how you react.
We’re Not Alone
While judgment may be difficult to bear, you are not alone. According to a survey by the organization Zero to Three, 90% of parents reported that they felt judgment from others. Almost half of the individuals said that they feel like they are being judged all the time. This is a serious issue for parents and something that, hopefully, with time and increased acceptance, we can learn to address and change.
Areas of Contention
Parenting involves helping your child learn, grow, and develop skills in many different areas. Thereby creating plenty of opportunities for others to step in with their judgment. Common areas of contention include:
Feeding: This one can be particularly challenging since our children need nutrients to thrive, and the experience of food refusals, challenges with eating, and getting adequate nutrition are often emotional for parents. Some individuals might comment on their diet, the form and quantity of food presented, and mealtime habits.
Behavior: Society has expectations for how our children will behave in public. When our children behave differently, judgment can result. This could be due to the behavior itself, the way you react to it, or its circumstances.
Potty training: While the timing of many other milestones can cause similar judgment, potty training can be a sensitive issue, especially since some children tend to be ready earlier than others, and there are so many different options in approaches.
Adaptive equipment: Tools like adaptive strollers, braces, visuals, sensory tools, and communication devices are well-known in the special education realm but less so by the general public. Judgment here is often due to a lack of knowledge.
Health decisions: While a stranger might not know your child’s medical history, they can see if you are wearing a mask. The presence or absence of one at a given moment can spur judgment. Similarly, the decision to vaccinate or not can cause rifts between family members.
Work and family balance: The choice or need for one or both parents to work or stay home has evolved over the past several decades and is unique to a given family situation.
The Struggle of Special Needs Parents
The problem is only enhanced for parents of children with disabilities or learning differences. On top of the typical parenting duties, these parents are also responsible for managing appointments, care, therapy, meeting and advocating for needs, and more.
Special needs parents (both mothers and fathers) are more likely to experience depression than those with neurotypical children.
When Other Parents Judge Your Parenting: What to Do?
Think About It: Are They Actually Judging You?
Sometimes another parent makes a statement that means no harm. However, as parents, we are used to the criticism and can wrongly interpret it as a dig at our parenting. Take the following example. A mother talks to her cousin about her experience getting services for her child with autism. She found a special-purpose school, grounded in floor-time therapy, that seems to be working for them. Her cousin’s child has autism as well. He explains that they went the ABA route. In this case, the extended family members share parenting experiences without judgment. However, when we as parents are so used to hearing criticism, it’s easy to see how this conversation can be misinterpreted. Before you internalize their judgment, stop and think, are they actually judging you?
Model Behavior
Since the (often unsolicited) conversation revolves around your child, you should keep them at the forefront of your mind as you form your response. Take your time and think: How can I model appropriate behavior for my child? While it might be tempting, snapping back at the offender keeps fueling the unhealthy cycle. Take a deep breath, consider how you want to react, and know that your child is watching and learning.
Acknowledge and Move On
Parent and early childhood educator Karalee Rochon benefits from having a queued-up response. She suggests making a definitive statement: “I understand you have different views, but this is what works best for our family.” In a few words, Rochon acknowledges conflicting views and kindly implies that the individual doesn’t have the full context about her own family. This is a great way to let others know that this topic is off-limits.
Do Nothing
Doing nothing is an excellent choice for those of us who tend to react emotionally. Sometimes a comment from a stranger involves a contentious topic for some people. This could be a comment about wearing or not wearing a mask, breastfeeding, or allowing children to use screens. Making these comments to parents in front of their children is a breach of social etiquette, and it often feels best for parents not to engage.
Share Information
Sometimes, when the individual judging your parenting is close to you, this can be a fitting choice. Best practices in parenting and our collective understanding of specific special needs diagnoses have changed significantly in the last few decades. It is not uncommon for a parent of adult children to comment on how differently they brought up their kids. Make it clear that you’ve made your decision, but you’d welcome a friendly dialogue about why it works for you. If it is a conversation with your child’s grandparents, reassure them that your deciding to do things differently does not reflect in any way on their parenting. (For more tips on managing interfering family members, see our post on ADHD Facts.)
Manage Your Feelings
Since placing judgment on others is a widely-spread aspect of parenting, most of us will experience it in one form or another. When you aren’t in the heat of the moment, reflect on how you’ll respond to the judgment. Will it make you second-guess your parenting style? Feel anxious, insecure, or victimized? Use a mindfulness tool? Try the following strategies to counter any negative thoughts and emotions.
Meditate- This can be a great way to move on and focus on the positives. When the negative experience comes to mind, visualize the thought as a balloon that you can let go. Just getting started with meditation? Try a guided meditation rather than sitting in silence.
Consider their intentions- They say ‘it takes a village to raise a child.’ Try to reframe their intentions by considering they meant well and wanted to help. This won’t work in all situations, but this strategy can work wonders for your mindset. Are you interested in diving deeper? Consider trying Metta (loving-kindness) meditation.
Make time for movement- Just like our kids yearn to move when they need a break, activity and exercise can help us with our own emotional regulation. Yoga, dancing to your favorite music, or taking a walk with your child, can be a tiny fix that extends positivity throughout your day.
Find your people- It could be your spouse, a friend, a coworker, or a trusted family member. People in a similar stage of parenting tend to be great candidates. Find someone you trust who you can confide in and know that they will not pass judgment. It can be cathartic to have a person you can lean on and who will validate your experience.
Build up a fellow parent- Use your experience as a catalyst to generate some positivity. Send a note to a parent to let them know you notice their efforts and acknowledge that they are doing an excellent job. You’ll both feel good after this simple task.
Conclusion
The judgment that comes with parenting is an experience that nearly all of us share. While you can’t control the actions of others passing judgment, you can choose how you react and care for yourself. When we can put the focus back on our children and tune down the judgment, we can use this energy to be the excellent parents that we are. Let’s all strive to be more empathetic to each other and reserve judgment.